Living a Charmed Life.. a self-reflection

(writing in regards to my bday -- 16 feb 2008)

I can't believe I'm 21 already. That's a lot of numbers.

Come to think of it, I've never imagined my life farther than being 17. Honestly -- 18, 19, and 20 was surreal to me. It's like I'm living, but not actually in it. 17 was it. That's as far as I go in planning my life -- how I will do my sweet seventeen, what major I will do in uni, what uni I will go to, how I will be living my uni years in an apartment with my besties, then decorate the apt this and that way, and bla bla bla..  That's what I've been doing since I was twelve. I've never really planned things beyond 17.

So when I was 18, 19, and 20; all those years seemed to just pass by, and rapidly too. Maybe because I was not anticipating anything out of them. It was so unlike my teen years..

My teen years....
When I was 12 I can't wait to be 13, and I can perfectly remember all the awkwardness of that age (I think I kept a diary on it). Then I was 13 and I felt older, more like a teenager. When I became 14, I felt like a legitimate teenager, it was so cool. I can finally proudly tell people I'm in middle school. Haha!

By my 15th bday, I was in highschool. Highschool! All the older people in my life have never fell tired telling me how highschool years are the peak of your life. And so I remember being 15 and really feel it inside me. Then I was 16. I felt like a sophisticated older girl then. I don't know, I guess the number 16 made me feel that way.

Finally, I was 17. I was at the final stage of my game. Finally, finally, finally. I'm a highschool senior, I'm living a cool life as a 17 year old! No more lying about your age being afraid to let others know how young you really are! jebus I'm 17! I was young enough to be reckless, to not care about anything that I should care about, to be irresponsible! But I was also old enough to be considered by older people and younger ones. The young ones look up to us wishing they're already 17; and the old ones (parents n teachers especially) sort of develop some kind of understanding towards you -- adolescent, remaja tujuh belas tahun, masa2 SMA -- "I was there" they would say. Older boys definitely notice u because you just entered their age territory, but as a perfectly fresh and new target. Uni boys wohoo! Also, a 17 yr old is young enough to be excused from trying all the newest weirdest trends, and old enough to look good wearing women's fashion.

Oh what a bliss those years were.... But anyway, a year passed and I became 18. then 19. later 20.

The 3 years that went unnoticed (well not exactly, but sort of...)
After 17 I don't really know where to go. I've sort of already reached my goals and objectives. 18 was the point when I should be looking for a new goal, a new plan. And I did kind of had one back then, vaguely and hazily.

But something extravagant happened to me, and I just lost track. Some people would know what 'thing' happened. And although this 'thing' took me off my hazy, vague track; I can't say I regret having it. In fact I should be totally, totally grateful!

Why, you ask me.

Well the 'thing' helped me grew out of Disney's unrealistic love expectations, which I had religiously believed since childhood! Girls must know what I'm talking about -- you don't get a happily ever after having a royal husband/boyfriend! In fact there is no happily ever after. Seriously, in the happily ever after part, after you're married to your royal hottie/after u get in a relationship with ur dreamboy, that's when real life starts. Seriously.

I think they should stop making movies that end when the hero finally confesses his love to the heroine/when the hero finally kisses the heroine/when the hero and heroine finally gets married/when hero finally realized how stupid he was to leave her and comes back to her and he had her at hello.

Seriously, seriously, seriously. (excuse my Obsessive Compulsiveness).

I've said this before, I'm gonna say it again. You don't get happiness by having a boyfriend/being married. Marriage -- and other love relationships -- doesn't give u your happiness. I think you should be happy first before entering into a relationship, not the other way around.

Disney movies and all those Hollywood romantic dramas really delude a girl. Movies are so hyper-realistic..

Anyway, as I was saying...
I lived those 3 years unaware of the world. Like being alive, but not living.

It's most likely bcos I've never really thought about being 18-19-20, and therefore didn't anticipate any of them. Didn't know what to anticipate anyway.

You know what to expect when you're 14,15,16,17.. A cool, teenage life. Thanks to my regular dosage of stereotypical-american-teenage movies, and all the people continuously telling me about the good days of teenage years.

What do they tell you about being 18, 19, 20? If there is something about those years, then it's not that popular nor stereotypical, because I didn't know any stories about how cool it is being 18-19-20. Or if I have, it's not giving that same dramatic effect with stories of being 14-17. In fact, I think those three years are associated with growing up, with having to bear more responsibilities...

So, no wonder I wasn't really anticipating those 3 yrs right?

That is, until my 21st birthday. I came to realize I'm an adult, with responsibilities bigger than I thought I already knew. I can feel it. I feel like a 21 year old, I feel I'm living a life here. It's not surreal like being 18-19-20 were; there is a character to the age 21, much like there are characters to ages 12 to 17.

This must be God's answers to my questions.

You see, during those 3 surreal years, I did think. And at a point I asked myself how I am already a twenty yrs old but not feeling like I'm one. Then God gave me the answers to my questions -- He always do. Nearing my twenty first bday, all things and all lessons rich in value were put on me to bear. House rent, contract agreement, negotiations, financial budgeting, real-life livings; I have to deal with all of them. They all come to me giving me the answers I'm seeking. "You wanna feel like an adult? Here's all things to make u feel like one!" I'd have to say, dealing with those, you cannot not feel old. Hahaaa.

Being 21 =)
I'm an adult, a grown-up!

Now it made me realize I've been living a charmed life, so protected in my parents covenant. Real life, and I don't know how far my discretion is in saying I know real life, is opening up in front of me. I get my parents better now. I get the reasons behind their actions. When you were a child you think your dad is superman, now you know he's just a regular guy with a cape. And you get it why your mom is so patronizing, why she talks so much and scrutiny the littlest insignificant detail, why she seems like she stalks you.

You get it that they love you, and you can honestly say that because u feel it too.

Now

I'm still finding out about being 21 though. The amount of years there indicate I'm an adult, so yeah I'm finding out about being an adult. But I still don't know what I want out of my life -- I don't even know what I want after graduation! Hahaa. I guess at least I realize I've been living a charmed life. Now i can appreciate things more, and start making a life for myself -- not from the resources my parents gave me, but from things I made on my own.